How to Get a Headache
Written by a university student with chronic headaches
Have you ever wondered what it is like to have a headache? Have you ever wondered what it’s like to live like the rest of humanity? This how to is your guide to being human and having a headache.
Tip 1: Stress out
If you do not have regular headaches, you might not have enough stress in your life. According to WebMD’s article on “The Effects of Stress on Your Body”, there is a positive and a negative type of stress. We’re looking to develop “distress,” the negative type of stress.
Distress is the type of stress is developed when you have a high amount of stress for a long time without rest. This isn’t the type of stress that encourages you to do your best on a math test. It’s the type of stress that tells you that if you don’t pass your next math test you won’t be able to get a job later in life and you won’t have a place to live or food to eat or love in your life.
If you cannot think of what could stress you out that much, consider these ideas:
- Go to school. This is especially effective if you choose a school where everyone seems to be better than you and where they don’t have a spring break.
- Get two extra jobs.
- Buy so much stuff that you can’t afford it. Try to buy enough stuff so you don’t have any space in your living area to put it.
- Read stories of amazing people, and instead of being inspired by them, try to become them overnight.
- Move to a different apartment every couple of months.
- Hang out with someone who drives you crazy for several hours every day.
- Plan a wedding.
- Don’t treat your body right
Tip 2: Don’t treat your body right
Stop drinking water and only drink soda. If you must drink water, do not drink enough. Forget fruits and vegetables. Just eat ramen, Skittles, and sour candies that mess your stomach up. Exercise? Only one three-hour HIT workout per week. Or month. Just be inconsistent. Sleep sporadically. In length, sleep four hours one night, the next, two, the next, nine hours. But the amount of time you sleep is not the only way you can sleep sporadically.
Tip 3: Live life
Here’s the thing. If you have lived life, it is very unlikely you have never had a headache. Saying you have never had a headache is like saying you’ve never laughed so hard your stomach hurt a little. It’s like saying you’ve never been in the sun long enough to get a sunburn or a little darker. It’s like saying you’ve never cried and then felt better after. So, my biggest tip for you is to go out and live a good life, taking risks and getting better every step of the way.